Grocery stores: a definitive ranking
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that one grocery store is the same as another.
Jane Austen is probably rolling over in her grave right about now, but I wanted to begin this post with a literary bent and set the right tone, since the subject matter we will be tackling is serious. Thought-provoking. Dare I say controversial? What, you ask, could possibly be so substantive in a blog about Colorado Boulevard? Grocery stores, friends. Grocery stores.
It should come as no surprise to the dedicated reader(s) (can I even use the plural here? Mom? I know you are reading this!) of this blog that CB boasts a bounty of grocery stores. And I’m going to rank them here. Please note that I am not including the specialty grocery stores, like the Middle East Market or the Bularian grocery on Arkansas, wonderful though they are. As always, these rankings are based on a transparent, objective, peer-vetted criter . . . just kidding. These rankings are purely subjective and dependent on my particular whims and idiosyncratic likes and dislikes. So buckle up!
9. King Soopers on Yale and Colorado. What can I say? Someone has to be last. And this King Soopers is it. Here’s why: (1) the parking lot is surprisingly difficult. (2) CROWDS! (3) I once stopped there to buy some helium balloons for my son’s birthday and it took me an hour. An HOUR! I still haven’t gotten over it. (As you can see, objective criteria).
Did you know that there are Google reviews of grocery stores? This one has 4.1 stars with a whopping 426 reviews. (I was initially going to write, “who has the time or inclination to write an online review of a grocery store, for the love of Pete?” but then I remembered what I am doing here, which is, uh, reviewing grocery stores online. I have found my people, apparently.) Anyhoo, a short perusal of the more recent reviews are quite illuminating. For example - one review from early December accuses the store of some pretty blatant racial profiling. No good. Another says that it took 20 minutes to get service at the deli counter. I hate that. However, another praises the store (and notably, places it above other, nearby King Soopers) for its superior meat and fish selection, which is a powerful point in this store’s favor (but not enough to dig this store out of the bottom! oh no!). Finally, this store was gifted with this useful and unique review, which I have reprinted here in totality for your reading pleasure:
The store is lovely and unaltered! Anything is new or newly bought. I'm going from my apartment to a crowded shopping mall. I purchased items that were both high quality and well priced when I was here last week. This is unequivocally tasty!
Hmm. I have no idea what is happening here, but who can argue that “unaltered” is high praise indeed?
8. The Safeway on Mexico and Colorado. Look, I grew up going to Safeway. Safeway always has the black-label “aged reserve” Cracker Barrel cheese, which I love. Safeway also has a particular soup cup that I like and can’t find anywhere else. So this pains me to rank the sole CB Safeway representative so low but it needs to be done. Here is why. This particular store is never stocked. It seems like they are always out of stuff I need, or the stuff they do have is nearing expiration dates. It’s like they have too many shoppers and not enough shoppers all at once.
Their Google reviews (3.7 stars with 611 reviews, ouch!) are notable because the owner is actively involved with responding to the many grumpy reviews. It’s a lot of fun. One standout was a customer complaining about a birthday cake that was supposed to say “Happy First Birthday Jade” and instead said, “Jade Happy Birthday” in handwriting that looked like my first grader’s. If I can ever figure out how to post pictures in this blog, I’ll share it. It was great.
7. Natural Grocers at Colorado and Evans. To begin, I note that Natural Grocers eschewed plastic bags before eschewing plastic bags was cool. You had (and still have) a choice - bring your own bags or make do without. To be clear, this not a knock. Single use plastic is evil - fully 1/2 of all plastic we throw away in a year is single use plastic. We are ruining our planet. Ahem. [steps off soapbox]. So, I’m a fan of this policy.
However, I’m less a fan of the store. I can’t do a full grocery shop there as they are missing seemingly essential grocery store items, and I think the over-excessive supplement section borders on quackery. I also think the non-GMO obsession is misguided at best. All that said, I do like their produce section and their stuff is cheaper than Whole Foods, not that it’s particularly hard be to cheaper than Whole Foods.
A review of their 451 Google reviews of this store (which admittedly has an impressive 4.4 rating!) show the usual mix of likes and dislikes, which only reinforces my belief that I’m correct in my rankings. (Don’t ask me how). Mostly pretty positive, but one intriguing negative review says:
“I've shopped at NG for 20+ years of my 35 year long life, but now I CAN'T because they don't respect natural law and body integrity as of Thanksgiving week 2020 when, for the first time in my life, I was refused service and kicked out of an establishment for just simply being as human as I've always humanly been.”
I admit it - I’m dying to know what happened here! The invocation of “natural law”? Refused service for “simply being as human as I’ve always humanly been”? I’m IN! Alas, I searched the rest of the reviews to find out MORE but to no avail. It’s a mystery.
6. The Super Target on Alameda and Colorado. Honestly, this store has some of the best selections of dry goods and condiments than any store, anywhere. For example, they have every single flavor of Tabasco, including the hard-to-find habanero flavor. It also stocks multiple flavors of Kodiak batter, which can be hit or miss at other stores, and for the uninitiated is a protein-packed pancake and waffle mix. This store also has an extensive selection of ice cream and popsicles, including but not limited to many flavors of Magnum ice-cream bars, including the mini-magnums, as well as Haagen Das’ Vanilla Chocolate Chip ice cream. I don’t know why, but it’s harder to find this basic, beloved ice cream flavor than it is to see a roseate spoonbill in Denver. (How did that analogy go?)
Indeed, there is lots to like about this store. The drawback is simple. It’s a damn Target. The parking lot gives me hives and I am physically incapable of going to this store and not leaving with at least $100 worth of shit I wasn’t planning on buying but which somehow became indispensable whilst in the store. Examples abound. Last time I was there, I bought one of those drink carafes in a metal stand (I have yet to use it, because, uh, I already have one), and some home décor I now regret, not least because, well, it’s ugly. So it’s not you, Target, it’s me (and your devious corporate overlords who know exactly what they are doing when they entice me with crap I can’t resist).
5. Mini-Target in Wellshire Hills Plaza. It’s new and it’s nice and cute and easy. It’s also not very big. Think very large gas station-size but with dairy and some produce (also clothes and Target stuff - see above). But, if you don’t need a lot of stuff, you can make this work nicely. It’s a good add to a street that has it all already.
4. Trader Joes at 8th and Colorado. Trader Joes is, as far as big-box American-style supermarkets go, unique. This store sells stuff that you can’t get anywhere else, and I’m not even talking about two-buck Chuck (I’m in my 40s now and in recognition of the fact I am now a grown-up, I have upped my wine game to $10 bottles, maybe $12 if the label is extremely cool). And because of that, I make the pilgrimage all the way north (ok, I drive about 20 blocks, what’s it to you?) to shop there. I’m by no means a Trader Joes aficionado but there are certain items I - and my family — like a lot. Frozen ravioli, flavored corn ships, frozen chocolate croissants you have to take out the freezer the night before (PSA), and surprisingly great chocolate babka. And because of that, it is worth the trip.
I will say, however, that the parking lot experience is one of more frightening ones out there. It’s too small and the spaces are also too small! It’s not as nerve-wracking as the time we saw a fight in the Whole Foods in Cherry Creek parking lot between a septuagenarian trying to save a space for her husband by standing in said space and a younger girl trying to park in that space, (sample line “your mother would be ashamed of you!” “My mother would tell you to go fuck yourself!” (Hey, it was Saturday morning, what can I say?)) but tough nonetheless.
3. Sprouts at Yale and Colorado. In my opinion (yes, the only one that matters here, get your own blog!) this is one of CB’s best kept secrets. It’s never crowded. The parking lot is fine. The store is bigger, clean, nice, and has great produce. I once spent waaay too much money there to buy an essential oil diffuser. Also, it’s right by Keg Liquors, another underrated retail experience, and a huge Walgreens. Yes, it’s a little stripped down but that’s the point of these stores! You can go to the Walgreens next door and buy the Slim Jims and Cheetos you couldn’t get at the Sprouts! It also has a good to-go sushi bar. NB- Slim Jims are delicious.
2. Whole Foods at Ohio and Colorado. I used to spend a lot more of my, ahem, paycheck here, but have since switched allegiances for the most part, as addressed below. Here are this store’s benefits. It’s infinitely more accessible then, say, the Whole Foods in Cherry Creek. Like all Whole Foods, the prepared foods section is two-thumbs up. They are one of the rare stores where you can buy a smoked ham hock. I like their cheeses and olive bar (Yes, I’m White, why do you ask?) They carry Roberto’s hot salsa, which is the most delicious salsa in the world. It’s like Pace but hotter and less sweet and better. (Fun story - Whole Foods once stopped carrying this salsa. So I made a lot of comments about this bad decision via their little feedback box. Guess what came back on the shelves? YES! It’s back, baby. Lesson learned: COMPLAINING WORKS!). This particular branch also has a lot of long-time employees which I always thinks reflects well on a store. So all good things.
The draw back is Whole Foods in general. “Whole Paycheck” is funny because its true! It’s f-ing expensive, friends. I also really have grown to hate their 365 brand. I hate the way they stop carrying the brands I like and regularly buy and instead try replace it with the inferior 365 option. At the very least, they move the non-365 brands to the very top shelves where I can’t reach them and place all the 365 options right at eye level. I’m actually pretty sure Whole Foods tracks my preferences (ok, I KNOW they do, Amazon is basically omniscient) and then systematically, one after the next, stop stocking the stuff I buy. I swear it has happened with multiple different products. The last one was this vinegar cleaning spray I like. Gone- but now I can get the 365-brand cleaner!
Also, once I was parking on the far-east side of their parking lot, which abuts a grass lawn, and I saw, I kid you not, numerous big rats cavorting in the field. This is more a Glendale issue than a Whole Foods issue - AND I HAVE NEVER ONCE SEEN RATS ANYWHERE IN THE STORE, TO BE CLEAR - but it was still pretty unnerving.
1. King Soopers in Belcaro Center. I know, you would have put this one last, right? And I get it. It’s old and small, the aisles are narrow. It has an unimpressive 3.8 star rating on Google (325 reviews), including some disheartening ones about bad service and lack of items. But here is why it deserves the coveted top spot!
(1) It’s super close to my house. I’m there all the time, and I know where everything is. There is a sort of poetry to moving through the grocery store efficiently - it’s like a beautiful dance. No? Only me? (2) They have a great Pharmacist. She is nice, kind, and unfailingly cheerful in the face of what has to be a brutal job. (3) They have random stuff. Like Vernors. Any former Midwesterners out there? You know what I mean. And cookies and cream Twix. (4) It’s small but mighty. It’s a small footprint for sure, but they do the best then can with what they have. (5) This store attracts all kinds of people. I do mean all kinds. (6) Did I mention how convenient it is for me?
TA DA! There you have it folks. The definitive ranking of all the grocery stores on CB. Looking back over my compilation, it’s clear that I am very triggered by parking lots. So this has been a useful self-reflective episode for me as well. And while I know that my number one choice is perhaps a liiiiittle subjective, well, to that, I can only say, damn right! It may be the shittiest but its also the most convenient (to me) so it wins! How fitting, no?
CB 4-eva!